Posts tagged Poop

Poop is the New Immovable Object


Please note: This entire post is about poop.  If you don’t want to read about that, skip this one.  I’m being completely serious.  This is all about crap.

We’re currently trying to potty train Oliver.  He’s 2.5 years old and knows what the toilet is, but he’s not a huge fan of using it.  There are times where he’s clearing shitting his pants (you can tell because he has this weird strained face and he’s standing in the corner), but when asked if he can sit on the potty, he refuses.  So, we’re still buying diapers in bulk which are crazy expensive, especially when you consider the fact that my son is literally going to piss and crap all over these things before I throw them in the garbage.

If you actually read the instructions for diapers, they tell you to dispose of solid waste in a toilet before throwing in the garbage.  I can tell you that we never did that.  Why would you want to scoop out the kid’s crap when you can toss the whole thing?  The less contact with poop, the better, in my opinion.  The thing though is that with Oliver potty-training, we are trying to show him what he should be doing and that includes poop going into the toilet, so we’ve had to do this a few times.

Here’s something else that no one tells you: A toddler’s poop is shaped strangely.  You have an idea in your head as to what poop looks like, right?  It’s like a cylinder.  That’s how it comes out when it goes directly into the toilet.  When a kid craps into a diaper, it doesn’t end up that way.  It molds around the walls of the diaper, like a horrible version of PlayDoh, creating a big solid mass of fecal matter.

This was the case earlier this week when Oliver insisted on transferring his dump from a diaper into the toilet.  Monica was handling this whole transaction while I was preparing dinner.  Then I got a call.  I was beckoned downstairs because there was a plumbing problem and I’m the dad, so that means it’s my problem.  I entered the bathroom to find a solid piece of crap wedged in the bottom of the toilet.  It was as if someone had placed the worst smelling candle in my commode.  Apparently Monica and Oliver had flushed a few times and that thing just was not moving.  It had taken up residency in the bottom of the toilet and it was not being evicted any time soon.  Water was flowing around it fine, so it wasn’t blocking up the pipes or anything.  It was just hanging out, like a decoration in a fish tank.

I stared at this dumbfounded.  What was I expected to do here?  I know what to do when the toilet is clogged.  The plunger can just unclog that sucker.  This wasn’t so much of a clog as an obstruction.  Would it dissolve over time?  What if we just flushed the toilet a lot?  Should I look this up on the Internet?  Is there a video on YouTube showing what to do here?

After laughing hysterically at how ridiculous this situation was, I ended up knocking the thing around with the plunger so it eventually went down the drain.  Oliver is still in diapers and we have not thrown any other poop into the toilet since.

One of my Cats is an Asshole


Monica and I have two cats, Darwin and Nolan. We adopted them about three years ago from Guardian Angel Cat Rescue in Hyde Park, NY. They’re pretty great. Although they’re from the same litter, they have very different personalities. Darwin is very social and fears nothing while Nolan is afraid of everything, hiding under the bed the moment the doorbell rings. Based on this information, can you guess which one of them has been a real asshole lately?

Here’s some more info:

Since we moved into the house two years ago, the litter box was located in the second bedroom upstairs which was being used as an office. In preparation for Oliver’s arrival, we moved the litter box downstairs into the basement in the laundry room. This seemed fine for a bit, even after we brought the baby home. Then maybe about two months ago, Nolan started shitting on the floor. I knew it was him because Nolan’s crap is the size of a small human’s. The cat is huge and so is the excrement. He would drop a deuce right in front of the litter box, as if he was doing a small protest.

One of these cats is a total douchebag.

One of these cats is a total douchebag.

I asked around and did some searching and found that this is common with cats if they’re upset about something. The odd thing was that there was nothing for Nolan to be upset about. Oliver was home for a few months and the litter box was down there for even longer so it wasn’t like these were sudden changes that he didn’t like. In an effort to satisfy Nolan, I put out a second litter box near the first one. That didn’t work. This went on for a couple more weeks before I took out both boxes and cleaned them thoroughly. Then I put them both back and lo and behold, he pooped in the box. For a time, everything was good. Then he shit on the floor again.

Now, let me update the situation a bit. There are now two litter boxes, both located in the laundry room in the basement. They are maybe two feet apart with a small garbage can and the spare litter between them. Darwin does all his business in box #1. Nolan will pee in box #1 but poop in box #2. That’s all that happens in box #2 now. This is actually a little disappointing as that’s a larger box with a lid. Anyway, I’ve found that when box #1 has some excrement in it, Nolan will shit on the floor. Let’s go over that again. He regularly craps in box #2 but for some reason when box #1 is full, he doesn’t even bother trying. It’s like he’s upset that the area is messy. I feel like that’s akin to going to someone’s house and seeing that the sink is dirty so you just shit on the floor instead of using the toilet. What the fuck, Nolan?

Basically, I just have to be extra mindful of cleaning the litter box at least twice a day. Otherwise my uptight cat will pinch a loaf on the floor right in front of the litter box like some sort of statement.

Look at that asshole.

Look at that asshole.

That’s Not His Poop Face


One constant that I’ve encountered whenever anyone sees, holds, and has any other interaction with my now 4 month old son is the phrase “Oh, he must be pooping.” Any time the kid makes a weird face or looks off into the distance for a moment, the first thought that comes to everyone’s mind is “That baby is totally dropping a deuce.” Here’s the thing: Babies are just miniature versions of adults. They poop just as often as big people do, which is about once a day. It’s more often if he takes a trip to Taco Bell, but who doesn’t? I don’t know why this is such a universal constant with everyone that comes into contact with Oliver.

He's not pooping here.

He’s not pooping here.

I can tell you from experience that when a baby poops, you’ll know. His face gets all red like he’s trying really hard to think of something…or you know…pushing out excrement. It’s the same expression that anyone would have if they were struggling to pinch a loaf in their pants while laying down. That’s the other thing. We’re so used to toilets that we have no idea how hard it would be to take a crap while laying on our backs. Just think of that for a second. How would that even work? Babies do it all the time! Sometimes they do it in their sleep!

He's not pooping here either.

He’s not pooping here either.

Since we’ve had Oliver in daycare, I’ve had good luck with the #2’s. I went about two weeks without having to change a poop-filled diaper because he manages to time them when he’s in the care of someone else or when Monica is on diaper duty. It’s not that bad to deal with but that stuff just gets everywhere.

Anyway, I hope that this has dispelled some myths regarding the facial expressions on the faces of infants. Sometimes they look weird because what they’re looking at is strange and different to them. That includes you. Don’t take it personally. Just be glad they’re not shitting on you.

87% of Floors in Stores Have Been Pooped On*


*Please note: I have absolutely no facts to back any of this up. This is all speculation on the part of the Mrs. and myself as we were falling asleep.

There are many reasons why I’m going to marry Monica. One of them is our conversations. We have some of the most bizarre communications sometimes, usually when we’re driving or when we’re about to fall asleep. Plus, despite Monica’s dislike for the scatological humor that pops up in SModcasts by Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier, a lot of our discussions end up revolving around poop. Case in point: The other night.

We were in bed about to fall asleep and Monica said that I scare her often by acting shocked or surprised at things. I think I only did that once and I learned my lesson afterward because she slapped me across the face for spooking her. She pointed out that I did so again (albeit unintentionally) at Target a few weeks ago. I spotted some display that caught my attention with its odd messaging. I don’t remember exactly what it said, maybe something like surprise boxers. Anyway, I exclaim with a gasp “Oh wow! Look at that! Surprise boxers!” (Or whatever the things were) Monica stops dead in her tracks and looks around. When asked what she was looking for, she explains that she thought I had really seen something and was pointing it out. The something she thought I’d seen? Some kid shit on the floor. Now, I didn’t say anything about this in my exclamation, but that was the first thing that came to mind.

After recounting this story in bed, I say that I figure most Target floors have probably been pooped on at one time or another. Not all of them, but I’d wager at a decent percentage, like 73% or something. Wal-Mart on the other hand would probably be closer to 100% or even more. We were in agreement with those figures. Upon further discussion, I threw in Big Lots since we had recently shopped there. I think it has a similar customer base as Wal-Mart, but with far less stores. In my opinion, it would take them a lot less longer than Wal-Mart to reach 100% on the poop-on-the-floor scale, but Monica disagreed. She’s of the opinion that the sheer mass of Wal-Mart would just knock Big Lots out of the park…or down the drain in this case.

What do you think?

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