Posts tagged Pants

One of Life’s Great Mysteries: Solved

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It’s 4 AM when I’m awoken by a familiar sound: the creak of Oliver’s door slowly opening.  Yes, this is a creepy noise to hear in the middle of the night, but as it’s one I hear frequently, I’ve grown used to it.  I close my eyes and hope that he’s just going to use the bathroom.  No such luck on that front as I then hear the pitter-patter of his small feet as he makes his way into my bedroom.  Again, I have a small hope that maybe he just wants to come into bed with us and then we can all go back to sleep.  After all, I’d already been up frequently with Parker so maybe, just maybe, we could all just get a few more winks in.  Again, I’m nowhere near that lucky.  Instead, I’m told something that I can honestly say I’ve never heard uttered by another human being.  I could be weird and say that my three year old son was speaking in tongues or something along those lines.  No, the truth is strange on its own and far more humorous.

“I can’t find my pants.”

That’s right.  At 4 AM, my young son woke up and came into my bedroom to tell me that he’s lost his pants.  I’m immediately filled with questions.  How did he lose his pants?  Where could they have gone?  When did he lose them?  Why did he take them off in the first place?  I ask him one of these questions.

“Oliver.  It’s 4 o’clock in the morning.  How did you lose your pants?”

“I can’t find my pants.”

With a deep sigh, I get up out of bed and walk him back to his room.  He’s clad in his t-shirt and underwear.  Once we’re back in his bedroom, I pick up the flashlight on his dresser and shine it around to quickly find the missing pants, wedged between his bed and the wall.  I help him put them back on, tuck him in, turn the flashlight off, and then walk back to my room.  Fortunately, he went right back to sleep and stayed that way for another hour or two.

Being a parent is weird and I’m sure I’ll be faced with tough questions as my two kids get older.  I’ll have to explain death and the birds & the bees.  For now, I can be satisfied knowing that when my son loses his pants, I can solve that mystery.

The Problem With Pants

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(Yeah, this is the second post in about a week that’s going to deal with going to the bathroom. What? Did you think this was a classy website?)

Apparently I’ve lost some weight in recent months. I don’t know how or why since I’ve done less exercise lately than I have in the past. I’ve received comments from both my Mom and Monica saying that I look thinner but I didn’t think anything of it. Then my clothes started not fitting. I don’t know if they always didn’t fit or if someone just switched out my button down shirts for table cloths, but these things are baggy. I’ve gone through a few of my shirts and will probably end up just giving them away because I look like I’m swimming in them. There are a few that fit but because I’m skinny, it’s hard to find these. The shirt might fit in the sleeves, but I end up with this big excess shirt around my waist so it’s like I’ve got this poofy shirt thing going on.

Then there’s the pants. I have to wear a belt? I’ve always been a firm believer of not wearing belts unless I had to. What’s the point in wearing one if my pants fit? It’s just one more step in the process when I have to go to the bathroom. But now I have to wear a belt for some of my pants. I’ve found that most of them are size 32 waist which seems to be way too big and thus the need for the belt. I’ve owned belts and I’m wearing one now, but I still feel odd with it, especially when it comes to going to the bathroom. I don’t remove the belt when I have to pee. Instead I just unzip the fly and get going. This frees up my hands though and I don’t know what to do with them. Before I’d be holding my pants up, but now I could check my nails or read a newspaper or play video games or something because the pee is being taken care of by gravity and my pants aren’t going anywhere.

I think I just need to find some new clothes and make sure they fit. My days of shopping at the Goodwill store might be over.

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