I was privileged enough to see a sneak preview of Star Wars: The Clone Wars earlier today. After the film ended, my first thought was “Well, at least I didn’t have to pay to see that.” Now, I’m a big fan of the Star Wars films, even the prequels to some extent (however lackluster they are). This film is essentially the start of a new series that will be airing on Cartoon Network. The series will begin after a brief theatrical run of the film (which can be looked at as the series premiere).

While I understand that since the show will be on Cartoon Network that it should appeal to kids, I felt like they just dumbed down Star Wars even more than the prequels did. As with the prequels, The Clone Wars is filled with horrendous dialogue that would have been better written if you asked a 3rd grade class what their favorite sayings were. Also, I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that no one uttered the infamous Star Wars line of “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” That right there makes it null and void when it comes to the films of the Force.

Add to this the horrible new character of Ahsoka Tano, a padawan sent to train under Anakin Skywalker and I’m ready to shoot myself in the face. It’s like George Lucas thought to himself “Gee, what could possibly be more annoying than Jar Jar Binks? I know! An annoying bratty teenager!” As if Anakin wasn’t emo enough in the prequels. Now we have to deal with what amounts to his dumb kid sister that won’t listen to him even though he’s her friggin’ teacher. The chick’s supposed to become a JEDI. How can you be such a pain in the ass if you’re a padawan? Shouldn’t that be a prerequisite to the academy? If you’re a dumb whiny bitch, please leave.

Now, I didn’t entirely hate the movie. Visually it’s very impressive. If I were to watch it in say another language, it would be near perfect. The actual dialogue is just so bad that any visually pleasing film is just torn to shreds. It’s all flare and no substance.

I also can’t review this film without mentioning the other Star Wars – Clone Wars series. Remember that one that was made by the guy who did Samurai Jack that was friggin’ awesome? Didn’t it deal with the SAME EXACT time period? What happened here? Is George Lucas that senile that he’s forgotten that already? That was great. Leave that time period alone and let’s move on to other things like Episodes 7,8, and 9 or at the very least show us a series detailing the time between Episodes 3 and 4.

Bottom line, even for a big Star Wars fan like me, this is a “Skip It.” If you’re a super level 4 Jedi Knight fan, then I guess you’ll see this anyway. Just don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆