My youngest son Parker is now 9 months old.  Between him and Oliver I’ve cleaned up my fair share of urine, feces, vomit, and more snot than should be possible to come out of a child’s nose.  The most disgusting of these bodily fluids by far is drool.  It’s unlike any of the others in that it’s almost impossible to entirely get rid of it.  A drip of the stuff can get on your hand or shirt and it just won’t go away even if you wipe away at it countless times.  There have been several instances where I’ll get to work hours after dropping my kids off at day care only to look down and find that there’s an obvious drool stain on my shirt.  It’s par for the course really.

Look at this adorable little drool machine.

Look at this adorable little drool machine.

The consistency of drool is what makes it so nasty.  It’s almost oily in texture, allowing it to slide freely from surface to surface, without you noticing at first.  No amount of tissues, bibs, and burp cloths can keep the tide at bay.  Speaking of bibs, they are a must-have at this point in Parker’s life.  He needs to be in one at all times because the drool just keeps coming.  If I forget to put on one, his chest is drenched within minutes.  Even when he’s wearing a bib, that thing gets soaked so quickly.  I’ll pick him up and suddenly get slapped with a piece of wet cloth…only it’s not wet from water…it’s wet with the saliva of my infant son.

You basically just have to try to keep up with the waterfall of spit that’s coming out of the kid’s mouth.  Bibs help that.  Having tissues nearby is a good backup plan.  We were out today and I had neither so I sort of used his arm to wipe it up, like an older person would do.  Just use your sleeve, right?  He didn’t mind.

In related news, I’ve found that Parker really loves it when I toss him up in the air.  I was always cautious of this with Oliver because I thought I’d break him or something.  That caution is all but gone with the second kid.  I haven’t dropped him or anything, but I’ve definitely been throwing him up in the air a lot more.  He’s got a huge smile on his face the entire time too.  You might see where this story is going.  One evening I was sitting in my reclining chair, casually tossing the kid up and catching him.  He’s giggling and smiling.  Everything is great.  Then I toss him up once more.  I catch him and at that moment, the drool breaks free from the dam that is his mouth.  Gravity pulls it towards the earth, straight down…and into my mouth.

Despite my instant revulsion, I didn’t just throw my infant son across the room.  I immediately moved him to the side and started spitting into a nearby burp cloth.  It was gross.  It was the grossest encounter with baby bodily fluids I’d ever had at that point.  (I’ve since had a worse one, but that’s a story for another day.)  That hasn’t stopped me from playing with my kids though, nor should it.  This kind of stuff is just part of being a parent.  It’s something that someone — a doctor, an elder, anyone really — should tell you about.  There’s a good chance your kid is going to drool right into your mouth.  You’re going to get poop on your hands.  You’ll get peed on.  Boogers will be wiped all over you.  Just hope none of them puke in your mouth / face.  I’ve managed to avoid that up until now.