What James Knows

I’ve heard both good and bad things about Hatchet. It came out around the same time as Behind the Mask – The Rise of Leslie Vernon and both films were praised for breathing new life into the Horror genre for a bit. After seeing Behind the Mask, I was eager to check out Hatchet. Unfortunately, Hatchet sucks…hard.

The film follows a group of people on a tour of an allegedly haunted swamp near New Orleans. Legend has it that Victor Crowley lurks through this swamp killing people because he was made fun of when he was a kid and then his Dad hit him in the face with a hatchet (ZOMG! TITLE! GET IT?!?). Crowley picks off the visitors one by one and they scream and try to run away.

That’s really the gist of the entire movie. It sounds almost fun, but believe me, it’s not. The first third of the film is spent getting this stupid and incredibly annoying characters together and stranding them in the swamp. The group is filled with Horror movie stereotypes including the Token Black Guy, the Ditsy Blonde, and the Neutral Asian Man. These people are so unrelatable that I was routing for Crowley to tear them apart. I didn’t want any of them to get away. Maybe that was the director’s intention, but if that’s the case, he’s a moron.

Hatchet also makes several horrible attempts at humor throughout the film. These range from stupid jokes to sight gags to awkward small talk. It’s the kind of dumb humor that you’d get from a chain email or from a NASCAR commentator.

*SPOILER*I’ve said several times that the only thing that can save some movies is if everyone dies at the end. Fortunately, Hatchet delivers in that regard. I was so happy to see every last one of these dumb bastards get what was coming to them. *END SPOILER*

The only other thing that Hatchet had going for it was the special effects. Crowley is one brutal S.O.B. and the deaths that he causes are often downright crazy. These range from hacking a dude in half to ripping open a woman’s face to tearing the arms off of another guy. The gore definitely delivers and the direction for these deaths was actually a bit interesting.

That just wasn’t enough to save Hatchet though. The horrible characters coupled with the ridiculous look of Crowley himself (picture a grown-up Sloth from The Goonies in overalls) and the utterly pointless plot makes for one bad picture. Sure there are cameos by Horror greats like Robert Englund, Kane Hodder (who plays Crowley) and that guy who played Candy Man. I’m sure that’ll help it in the Horror nerd demographic. I just don’t care there. I can’t comment on any of the special features because I ejected this disc from my player as soon as it was over. No thanks.

If you want to see some Quasimodo look-a-like go retard strong and tear up a bunch of dumb people, then go ahead and watch Hatchet. Otherwise, go check out Behind the Mask or some other Horror movie.

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Tags: DVD, Hatchet, Review