*Please note: I have absolutely no facts to back any of this up. This is all speculation on the part of the Mrs. and myself as we were falling asleep.

There are many reasons why I’m going to marry Monica. One of them is our conversations. We have some of the most bizarre communications sometimes, usually when we’re driving or when we’re about to fall asleep. Plus, despite Monica’s dislike for the scatological humor that pops up in SModcasts by Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier, a lot of our discussions end up revolving around poop. Case in point: The other night.

We were in bed about to fall asleep and Monica said that I scare her often by acting shocked or surprised at things. I think I only did that once and I learned my lesson afterward because she slapped me across the face for spooking her. She pointed out that I did so again (albeit unintentionally) at Target a few weeks ago. I spotted some display that caught my attention with its odd messaging. I don’t remember exactly what it said, maybe something like surprise boxers. Anyway, I exclaim with a gasp “Oh wow! Look at that! Surprise boxers!” (Or whatever the things were) Monica stops dead in her tracks and looks around. When asked what she was looking for, she explains that she thought I had really seen something and was pointing it out. The something she thought I’d seen? Some kid shit on the floor. Now, I didn’t say anything about this in my exclamation, but that was the first thing that came to mind.

After recounting this story in bed, I say that I figure most Target floors have probably been pooped on at one time or another. Not all of them, but I’d wager at a decent percentage, like 73% or something. Wal-Mart on the other hand would probably be closer to 100% or even more. We were in agreement with those figures. Upon further discussion, I threw in Big Lots since we had recently shopped there. I think it has a similar customer base as Wal-Mart, but with far less stores. In my opinion, it would take them a lot less longer than Wal-Mart to reach 100% on the poop-on-the-floor scale, but Monica disagreed. She’s of the opinion that the sheer mass of Wal-Mart would just knock Big Lots out of the park…or down the drain in this case.

What do you think?